it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
