his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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