You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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