I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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