Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
