is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
