The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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