You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
