Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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