My hair reeks of homosexuality.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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