this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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