Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
