Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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