you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize