Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize