I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
