I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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