I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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