So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
