the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
