I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
