my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
