Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
