i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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