A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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