forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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