chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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