fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
