I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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