Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
