Moan for me like Helen Keller
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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