I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
