When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
