So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
