I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
