God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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