Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
