Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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