i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
