I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
