Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
