one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
