i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
there was a trapeze. enough said
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
