My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
