no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
