Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
please come you make the beer taste better
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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