i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
