Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
