That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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