3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so that wasnt chicken after all
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
