Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
