You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
