my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize