I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
