new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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