I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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