I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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