I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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