You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
